Healing from the Affair and Marital Infidelity

An article on surviving infidelity titled ~ Healing from the Affair and Marital Infidelity: Use Charging Neutral by surviving infidelity expert Rob Goldsmith

Coping with an affair or infidelity leaves one in a new world - usually a world of pain, uncertainty and fear and helplessness.

To move beyond merely surviving the affair to begin changing the flow of the affair and initiate healing, one can use a skill called "charging neutral."

Charging neutral denotes a non-reactivity to one's spouse. It demands one remaining calm and centered.

Though initially difficult to master, it's results can be powerful.

In this example, the woman used email as a tool to expedite charging neutral:

My husband had an affair last year. Unfortunately they produced a child, which is now used as an excuse for keeping in contact with the other woman. Thankfully we moved to another city , so his contact with her is mainly via sms and mail.The charging neutral technique I use mainly via email, when I discuss the affair. I am calmer and have more time to word things correctly . When I re-read what I have written, I see things more objectively, and sometimes I need to amend the wording, so its not so insulting. Also it feels good to know he is reading all that is on my mind. I feel heard. One day I will be ready to speak about the affair calmly. In truth my husband also prefers the email route. As we are now able to touch on the affair topic via email, we can now discuss day to day happenings (which we have not been able to do) without the pressure of of all the unsaid horrors.

This man uses charging neutral but refusing to react to her reactions. This puts him in control of his feelings and actions, which is empowering:


OKay.. what has been effective has been two things together, charging neutral and otherwise largely ignoring my wife. Not speaking to her unless I have to, but when I do charging very very neutral. When she starts to get a sense of what things would be like without me in her life, she starts to reengage. I would say her affair is a little bit of 'my marriage made me do it' but more centrally 'i want to be desired'.

Charging neutral gives much freedom to confront the spouse or partner and begin the healing process. Notice the power that this man feels in confronting his wife constructively:

Charging neutral is more difficult and more effective than one initially thinks. When an opportunity comes up saying something to my cheating wife in a charge neutral way kind of confuses her. It kind of puts me in control of the conversation because my wife cannot do anything but listen. She is not spending her time trying to think up her next hostile line (or in my case, lie.) To me the difficult part of charging neutral is being able to do it consistently. When I most want to bash her (which is hourly) I try to remember to charge neutral. When the words come out with just the right tone, I think... "Man, that was good!" The other nice part about charging neutral is, you say just about anything. At times I can really blitz her and with the right tone and non-verbal communication - she almost agrees with me.

Charging neutral is quietly powerful. Many have been set on the healing path by experimenting with and utilizing this powerful skill.

About the Author

Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding healing from the affair.

surviving infidelity

surviving infidelity

A very interesting surviving infidelity article by Rob Goldsmith, called, Surviving Marital infidelity: Coping with First Feelings

main article

The discovery of infidelity in your marriage generates tremendous upheaval. Many report powerful physical symptoms such as nausea, shortness of breath, aching muscles, headaches and more. Your body responds to the pain. Your body is shaken and racked by the discovery. Your body expresses the deep emotions that erupt when your welfare, family, security, sexual identity and future relationship is now called into question by the discovery of the marital affair and betrayal. Surviving marital infidelity means first of all coping with the intense feelings that first bombard your body, mind and spirit. Here are some tips on how survive the initial powerful feelings that envelop you. 1. Physical exercise. I recall one person stating that he ran, and ran, and ran, until it felt as if he was going to explode. Running was his release. Running WAS his survival. I recall another person who walked at noon and in the evening for a half hour each time. It was his time to think, to shed some tears, to spend time allowing the healing to begin. 2. Some need to talk. Yes, talk, and talk, and talk. Talking is way for them to hear the problem, to express their thoughts and feelings. In the process of talking they are healed. In the process of talking they begin to formulate strategies and plans. If this is your preferred way of solving your problems, find someone who will listen. Be up front with them if need be: "I just need to talk. Will you listen? Will you nod your head every so often in affirmation? I need that." 3. Others find great relief and comfort in writing. They journal. The jot down notes. They scribble. They need to see it on paper, or at least seeing it on paper offers enables them to "get it out there" rather than remaining inside rumbling around aimlessly. If this is your preferred style of coping, discipline yourself to write. Write at a specific time. Look forward to that time. Give it priority in your life. Write with purpose. Do not censor. If you are concerned someone might find what you write, destroy it after writing. Keep a journal. It's often helpful to go back over time and see the progress or themes and patterns in your life you confront. 4. Welcome solitude if that fits you and your style. Do you long for that favorite place, by the lakeside, sitting next to that tree, hearing the running water of the brook, standing on the hill overlooking the beauty below? Does it seem to place you in a "trance" where you can connect with you, where you find that center, where it seems as if the problems and concerns find their true place and you are freer to move forward with more confidence and peace? 5. Treat yourself gently. Are you hard on yourself? Do you have that critical internal voice that berates you, that says you should have done this or that? Do you second guess yourself? Do problems come down to the fact that if only you would have done something else or said something different, you wouldn't be in this situation? Reverse the process. Reverse the self talk. Be kind to you. Affirm you, if possible. Begin to gently remind your self that you are doing your best, and nothing more can be expected. 6. Use your spiritual resources. Meditate. Get in touch with that power within you that transcends you and your situation. Stand back. Stand way back and see the universe. See the dimensions of time and space and acknowledge a greater you - a greater power that moves, impels and above all, loves. Yes, the power of infidelity upon discovery is immense and seemingly on the verge of overwhelming a person who is blind-sided. However, you can attend to the strong feelings, you can acknowledge them, affirm them and know that more of life's richness awaits you.

About the Author

Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding surviving marital infidelity.