Healing from the Affair and Marital Infidelity

An article on surviving infidelity titled ~ Healing from the Affair and Marital Infidelity: Use Charging Neutral by surviving infidelity expert Rob Goldsmith

Coping with an affair or infidelity leaves one in a new world - usually a world of pain, uncertainty and fear and helplessness.

To move beyond merely surviving the affair to begin changing the flow of the affair and initiate healing, one can use a skill called "charging neutral."

Charging neutral denotes a non-reactivity to one's spouse. It demands one remaining calm and centered.

Though initially difficult to master, it's results can be powerful.

In this example, the woman used email as a tool to expedite charging neutral:

My husband had an affair last year. Unfortunately they produced a child, which is now used as an excuse for keeping in contact with the other woman. Thankfully we moved to another city , so his contact with her is mainly via sms and mail.The charging neutral technique I use mainly via email, when I discuss the affair. I am calmer and have more time to word things correctly . When I re-read what I have written, I see things more objectively, and sometimes I need to amend the wording, so its not so insulting. Also it feels good to know he is reading all that is on my mind. I feel heard. One day I will be ready to speak about the affair calmly. In truth my husband also prefers the email route. As we are now able to touch on the affair topic via email, we can now discuss day to day happenings (which we have not been able to do) without the pressure of of all the unsaid horrors.

This man uses charging neutral but refusing to react to her reactions. This puts him in control of his feelings and actions, which is empowering:


OKay.. what has been effective has been two things together, charging neutral and otherwise largely ignoring my wife. Not speaking to her unless I have to, but when I do charging very very neutral. When she starts to get a sense of what things would be like without me in her life, she starts to reengage. I would say her affair is a little bit of 'my marriage made me do it' but more centrally 'i want to be desired'.

Charging neutral gives much freedom to confront the spouse or partner and begin the healing process. Notice the power that this man feels in confronting his wife constructively:

Charging neutral is more difficult and more effective than one initially thinks. When an opportunity comes up saying something to my cheating wife in a charge neutral way kind of confuses her. It kind of puts me in control of the conversation because my wife cannot do anything but listen. She is not spending her time trying to think up her next hostile line (or in my case, lie.) To me the difficult part of charging neutral is being able to do it consistently. When I most want to bash her (which is hourly) I try to remember to charge neutral. When the words come out with just the right tone, I think... "Man, that was good!" The other nice part about charging neutral is, you say just about anything. At times I can really blitz her and with the right tone and non-verbal communication - she almost agrees with me.

Charging neutral is quietly powerful. Many have been set on the healing path by experimenting with and utilizing this powerful skill.

About the Author

Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding healing from the affair.

surviving infidelity

surviving infidelity

A very interesting surviving infidelity article by Rob Goldsmith, called, Surviving Marital infidelity: Coping with First Feelings

main article

The discovery of infidelity in your marriage generates tremendous upheaval. Many report powerful physical symptoms such as nausea, shortness of breath, aching muscles, headaches and more. Your body responds to the pain. Your body is shaken and racked by the discovery. Your body expresses the deep emotions that erupt when your welfare, family, security, sexual identity and future relationship is now called into question by the discovery of the marital affair and betrayal. Surviving marital infidelity means first of all coping with the intense feelings that first bombard your body, mind and spirit. Here are some tips on how survive the initial powerful feelings that envelop you. 1. Physical exercise. I recall one person stating that he ran, and ran, and ran, until it felt as if he was going to explode. Running was his release. Running WAS his survival. I recall another person who walked at noon and in the evening for a half hour each time. It was his time to think, to shed some tears, to spend time allowing the healing to begin. 2. Some need to talk. Yes, talk, and talk, and talk. Talking is way for them to hear the problem, to express their thoughts and feelings. In the process of talking they are healed. In the process of talking they begin to formulate strategies and plans. If this is your preferred way of solving your problems, find someone who will listen. Be up front with them if need be: "I just need to talk. Will you listen? Will you nod your head every so often in affirmation? I need that." 3. Others find great relief and comfort in writing. They journal. The jot down notes. They scribble. They need to see it on paper, or at least seeing it on paper offers enables them to "get it out there" rather than remaining inside rumbling around aimlessly. If this is your preferred style of coping, discipline yourself to write. Write at a specific time. Look forward to that time. Give it priority in your life. Write with purpose. Do not censor. If you are concerned someone might find what you write, destroy it after writing. Keep a journal. It's often helpful to go back over time and see the progress or themes and patterns in your life you confront. 4. Welcome solitude if that fits you and your style. Do you long for that favorite place, by the lakeside, sitting next to that tree, hearing the running water of the brook, standing on the hill overlooking the beauty below? Does it seem to place you in a "trance" where you can connect with you, where you find that center, where it seems as if the problems and concerns find their true place and you are freer to move forward with more confidence and peace? 5. Treat yourself gently. Are you hard on yourself? Do you have that critical internal voice that berates you, that says you should have done this or that? Do you second guess yourself? Do problems come down to the fact that if only you would have done something else or said something different, you wouldn't be in this situation? Reverse the process. Reverse the self talk. Be kind to you. Affirm you, if possible. Begin to gently remind your self that you are doing your best, and nothing more can be expected. 6. Use your spiritual resources. Meditate. Get in touch with that power within you that transcends you and your situation. Stand back. Stand way back and see the universe. See the dimensions of time and space and acknowledge a greater you - a greater power that moves, impels and above all, loves. Yes, the power of infidelity upon discovery is immense and seemingly on the verge of overwhelming a person who is blind-sided. However, you can attend to the strong feelings, you can acknowledge them, affirm them and know that more of life's richness awaits you.

About the Author

Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding surviving marital infidelity.

advice on surviving infidelity

An interesting surviving infidelity article by Stephany W Alexander called, Surviving Infidelity: Advice On How To Survive Infidelity

Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the enormous task of healing from infidelity. Many marriage therapists have well confirmed that the clients who visit them have confessed that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter the general trust, many people seriously contemplate ending their marriages. However, it is important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it is possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It is not so easy: there are no quick fix, one-size-fits-all solutions. But years of experience has taught that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.

Surviving infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses should be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his/her spouse. The betrayed spouse should be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can start to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are similar, it is helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.

In a poll of over 136,000 women conducted by WomanSaversdotcom, over 55% of women caught their man cheating red handed and 36% suspected him or cheating but never caught him. If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will certainly feel a whole range of emotions: shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty in sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are a touching person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or on the contrary, feel at your worst when you are. Although you may be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Surviving from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill quickly. It is easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm.

Although some people are more curious than others, it is very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, simply knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you may feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster.

Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to display sincere regret and remorse. You cannot apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit this again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you may think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they are not. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your promise to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly significant during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is often the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right and still, the marriage will not mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself.

About the Author

Online Dating and Infidelity Expert, Stephany Alexander, B.A. is CEO/Founder of http://www.WomanSavers.com, the "World's Largest Database Rating Men" and the author of "Sex, Lies and the Internet" - How to Avoid Being Scammed, Used and Abused by Men. Featured on FOX, CNN, New York Times, CNBC & more!

Surviving Infidelity

surviving infidelity article

A surviving infidelity article by Rob Goldsmith titled. Surviving Marital infidelity: Coping with First Feelings

The discovery of infidelity in your marriage generates tremendous upheaval. Many report powerful physical symptoms such as nausea, shortness of breath, aching muscles, headaches and more. Your body responds to the pain. Your body is shaken and racked by the discovery. Your body expresses the deep emotions that erupt when your welfare, family, security, sexual identity and future relationship is now called into question by the discovery of the marital affair and betrayal. Surviving marital infidelity means first of all coping with the intense feelings that first bombard your body, mind and spirit. Here are some tips on how survive the initial powerful feelings that envelop you. 1. Physical exercise. I recall one person stating that he ran, and ran, and ran, until it felt as if he was going to explode. Running was his release. Running WAS his survival. I recall another person who walked at noon and in the evening for a half hour each time. It was his time to think, to shed some tears, to spend time allowing the healing to begin. 2. Some need to talk. Yes, talk, and talk, and talk. Talking is way for them to hear the problem, to express their thoughts and feelings. In the process of talking they are healed. In the process of talking they begin to formulate strategies and plans. If this is your preferred way of solving your problems, find someone who will listen. Be up front with them if need be: "I just need to talk. Will you listen? Will you nod your head every so often in affirmation? I need that." 3. Others find great relief and comfort in writing. They journal. The jot down notes. They scribble. They need to see it on paper, or at least seeing it on paper offers enables them to "get it out there" rather than remaining inside rumbling around aimlessly. If this is your preferred style of coping, discipline yourself to write. Write at a specific time. Look forward to that time. Give it priority in your life. Write with purpose. Do not censor. If you are concerned someone might find what you write, destroy it after writing. Keep a journal. It's often helpful to go back over time and see the progress or themes and patterns in your life you confront. 4. Welcome solitude if that fits you and your style. Do you long for that favorite place, by the lakeside, sitting next to that tree, hearing the running water of the brook, standing on the hill overlooking the beauty below? Does it seem to place you in a "trance" where you can connect with you, where you find that center, where it seems as if the problems and concerns find their true place and you are freer to move forward with more confidence and peace? 5. Treat yourself gently. Are you hard on yourself? Do you have that critical internal voice that berates you, that says you should have done this or that? Do you second guess yourself? Do problems come down to the fact that if only you would have done something else or said something different, you wouldn't be in this situation? Reverse the process. Reverse the self talk. Be kind to you. Affirm you, if possible. Begin to gently remind your self that you are doing your best, and nothing more can be expected. 6. Use your spiritual resources. Meditate. Get in touch with that power within you that transcends you and your situation. Stand back. Stand way back and see the universe. See the dimensions of time and space and acknowledge a greater you - a greater power that moves, impels and above all, loves. Yes, the power of infidelity upon discovery is immense and seemingly on the verge of overwhelming a person who is blind-sided. However, you can attend to the strong feelings, you can acknowledge them, affirm them and know that more of life's richness awaits you.

About the Author

Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding surviving marital infidelity.

michael
surviving infidelity

surviving infidelity

Surviving Marital infidelity: Coping with First Feelings article by surviving infidelity expert, Rob Goldsmith

The discovery of infidelity in your marriage generates tremendous upheaval. Many report powerful physical symptoms such as nausea, shortness of breath, aching muscles, headaches and more. Your body responds to the pain. Your body is shaken and racked by the discovery.

Your body expresses the deep emotions that erupt when your welfare, family, security, sexual identity and future relationship is now called into question by the discovery of the marital affair and betrayal. Surviving marital infidelity means first of all coping with the intense feelings that first bombard your body, mind and spirit. Here are some tips on how survive the initial powerful feelings that envelop you.

1. Physical exercise.
I recall one person stating that he ran, and ran, and ran, until it felt as if he was going to explode. Running was his release. Running WAS his survival. I recall another person who walked at noon and in the evening for a half hour each time. It was his time to think, to shed some tears, to spend time allowing the healing to begin.

2. Some need to talk.
Yes, talk, and talk, and talk. Talking is way for them to hear the problem, to express their thoughts and feelings. In the process of talking they are healed. In the process of talking they begin to formulate strategies and plans. If this is your preferred way of solving your problems, find someone who will listen. Be up front with them if need be: "I just need to talk. Will you listen? Will you nod your head every so often in affirmation? I need that."

3. Others find great relief and comfort in writing.
They journal. The jot down notes. They scribble. They need to see it on paper, or at least seeing it on paper offers enables them to "get it out there" rather than remaining inside rumbling around aimlessly. If this is your preferred style of coping, discipline yourself to write. Write at a specific time. Look forward to that time. Give it priority in your life. Write with purpose. Do not censor. If you are concerned someone might find what you write, destroy it after writing. Keep a journal. It's often helpful to go back over time and see the progress or themes and patterns in your life you confront.

4. Welcome solitude if that fits you and your style.
Do you long for that favorite place, by the lakeside, sitting next to that tree, hearing the running water of the brook, standing on the hill overlooking the beauty below? Does it seem to place you in a "trance" where you can connect with you, where you find that center, where it seems as if the problems and concerns find their true place and you are freer to move forward with more confidence and peace?

5. Treat yourself gently.
Are you hard on yourself? Do you have that critical internal voice that berates you, that says you should have done this or that? Do you second guess yourself? Do problems come down to the fact that if only you would have done something else or said something different, you wouldn't be in this situation? Reverse the process. Reverse the self talk. Be kind to you. Affirm you, if possible. Begin to gently remind your self that you are doing your best, and nothing more can be expected.

6. Use your spiritual resources.
Meditate. Get in touch with that power within you that transcends you and your situation. Stand back. Stand way back and see the universe. See the dimensions of time and space and acknowledge a greater you - a greater power that moves, impels and above all, loves. Yes, the power of infidelity upon discovery is immense and seemingly on the verge of overwhelming a person who is blind-sided. However, you can attend to the strong feelings, you can acknowledge them, affirm them and know that more of life's richness awaits you.

About the Author

Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding surviving marital infidelity.

surviving infidelity

Emotional Infidelity The Truth About Cheating Emotionally

A great article on emotional cheating by Christina Caci

Emotional infidelity is a stealthy form of cheating that might catch even the cheater by surprise. It typically begins with a friendship, and if your partner isn't careful, it can turn into something more.

Most people don't enter into a relationship with the intention of cheating. Sometimes it is a conscious decision they make, but when it comes to emotional infidelity, your partner might be in over their head before they realize what is happening to them.

The bond between just friends grows and grows until that person becomes more important than their partner, and that's when emotional infidelity begins.

Emotional infidelity is facilitated by the internet. You've heard of people who fell in love over the internet. Did you believe their stories? The anonymity of the internet allows people to share their deepest, darkest secrets with someone else, without the mess entanglements of a physical affair.

But gradually, the need for that online companionship can grow stronger. They start to wonder about the person they are chatting with, and they begin to learn more about them. They start to move from a virtual relationship to a real world one, one that involves emotional investment. They might even make the leap to phone calls and relish the sound of the other person's voice.

This is emotional infidelity in the making. If your partner feels it necessary to lie about their internet activity, or holds a virtual friend a little too close to their heart, it's cause for concern. The deeper they fall into their online world, the more they separate from their real life emotional partner.

You are the one who feels the brunt of their rejection!

Some signs of emotional infidelity include the following:

Your partner spends more and more time on the internet, and keeps those activities as secret as possible.

Your partner spends more time with their friend than they do with you.

They spend time with someone else, but neglect to tell you about it.

When you ask about their activities with someone else, they get defensive and point out: We aren't having an affair. I've never touched them! How could it be an affair?

That is the easiest way that an emotional infidelity is allowed to continue. Stop it in its tracks by pointing out that infidelity is not just physical! You can have an affair with someone you have never even met in the flesh.

Knowing the signs, and being ready to confront your partner about their emotional affair, can nip it all in the bud.

About the Author

If you're looking for more information on how to catch them cheating, be sure to check out http://www.catchthemcheating.com Quickly learn the one word that every cheater uses to get away with cheating on you and how you can easily avoid this huge mistake!