Surviving Marital infidelity: Coping with First Feelings article by surviving infidelity expert, Rob Goldsmith
The discovery of infidelity in your marriage generates tremendous upheaval. Many report powerful physical symptoms such as nausea, shortness of breath, aching muscles, headaches and more. Your body responds to the pain. Your body is shaken and racked by the discovery.
Your body expresses the deep emotions that erupt when your welfare, family, security, sexual identity and future relationship is now called into question by the discovery of the marital affair and betrayal. Surviving marital infidelity means first of all coping with the intense feelings that first bombard your body, mind and spirit. Here are some tips on how survive the initial powerful feelings that envelop you.
1. Physical exercise.
I recall one person stating that he ran, and ran, and ran, until it felt as if he was going to explode. Running was his release. Running WAS his survival. I recall another person who walked at noon and in the evening for a half hour each time. It was his time to think, to shed some tears, to spend time allowing the healing to begin.
2. Some need to talk.
Yes, talk, and talk, and talk. Talking is way for them to hear the problem, to express their thoughts and feelings. In the process of talking they are healed. In the process of talking they begin to formulate strategies and plans. If this is your preferred way of solving your problems, find someone who will listen. Be up front with them if need be: "I just need to talk. Will you listen? Will you nod your head every so often in affirmation? I need that."
3. Others find great relief and comfort in writing.
They journal. The jot down notes. They scribble. They need to see it on paper, or at least seeing it on paper offers enables them to "get it out there" rather than remaining inside rumbling around aimlessly. If this is your preferred style of coping, discipline yourself to write. Write at a specific time. Look forward to that time. Give it priority in your life. Write with purpose. Do not censor. If you are concerned someone might find what you write, destroy it after writing. Keep a journal. It's often helpful to go back over time and see the progress or themes and patterns in your life you confront.
4. Welcome solitude if that fits you and your style.
Do you long for that favorite place, by the lakeside, sitting next to that tree, hearing the running water of the brook, standing on the hill overlooking the beauty below? Does it seem to place you in a "trance" where you can connect with you, where you find that center, where it seems as if the problems and concerns find their true place and you are freer to move forward with more confidence and peace?
5. Treat yourself gently.
Are you hard on yourself? Do you have that critical internal voice that berates you, that says you should have done this or that? Do you second guess yourself? Do problems come down to the fact that if only you would have done something else or said something different, you wouldn't be in this situation? Reverse the process. Reverse the self talk. Be kind to you. Affirm you, if possible. Begin to gently remind your self that you are doing your best, and nothing more can be expected.
6. Use your spiritual resources.
Meditate. Get in touch with that power within you that transcends you and your situation. Stand back. Stand way back and see the universe. See the dimensions of time and space and acknowledge a greater you - a greater power that moves, impels and above all, loves. Yes, the power of infidelity upon discovery is immense and seemingly on the verge of overwhelming a person who is blind-sided. However, you can attend to the strong feelings, you can acknowledge them, affirm them and know that more of life's richness awaits you.
Your body expresses the deep emotions that erupt when your welfare, family, security, sexual identity and future relationship is now called into question by the discovery of the marital affair and betrayal. Surviving marital infidelity means first of all coping with the intense feelings that first bombard your body, mind and spirit. Here are some tips on how survive the initial powerful feelings that envelop you.
1. Physical exercise.
I recall one person stating that he ran, and ran, and ran, until it felt as if he was going to explode. Running was his release. Running WAS his survival. I recall another person who walked at noon and in the evening for a half hour each time. It was his time to think, to shed some tears, to spend time allowing the healing to begin.
2. Some need to talk.
Yes, talk, and talk, and talk. Talking is way for them to hear the problem, to express their thoughts and feelings. In the process of talking they are healed. In the process of talking they begin to formulate strategies and plans. If this is your preferred way of solving your problems, find someone who will listen. Be up front with them if need be: "I just need to talk. Will you listen? Will you nod your head every so often in affirmation? I need that."
3. Others find great relief and comfort in writing.
They journal. The jot down notes. They scribble. They need to see it on paper, or at least seeing it on paper offers enables them to "get it out there" rather than remaining inside rumbling around aimlessly. If this is your preferred style of coping, discipline yourself to write. Write at a specific time. Look forward to that time. Give it priority in your life. Write with purpose. Do not censor. If you are concerned someone might find what you write, destroy it after writing. Keep a journal. It's often helpful to go back over time and see the progress or themes and patterns in your life you confront.
4. Welcome solitude if that fits you and your style.
Do you long for that favorite place, by the lakeside, sitting next to that tree, hearing the running water of the brook, standing on the hill overlooking the beauty below? Does it seem to place you in a "trance" where you can connect with you, where you find that center, where it seems as if the problems and concerns find their true place and you are freer to move forward with more confidence and peace?
5. Treat yourself gently.
Are you hard on yourself? Do you have that critical internal voice that berates you, that says you should have done this or that? Do you second guess yourself? Do problems come down to the fact that if only you would have done something else or said something different, you wouldn't be in this situation? Reverse the process. Reverse the self talk. Be kind to you. Affirm you, if possible. Begin to gently remind your self that you are doing your best, and nothing more can be expected.
6. Use your spiritual resources.
Meditate. Get in touch with that power within you that transcends you and your situation. Stand back. Stand way back and see the universe. See the dimensions of time and space and acknowledge a greater you - a greater power that moves, impels and above all, loves. Yes, the power of infidelity upon discovery is immense and seemingly on the verge of overwhelming a person who is blind-sided. However, you can attend to the strong feelings, you can acknowledge them, affirm them and know that more of life's richness awaits you.
About the Author
Rob Goldsmith is a relationship expert with clinical experience, research and study in the arena of personal relationships, specializing in infidelity and extramarital affairs. Get more information regarding surviving marital infidelity.
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